I struggle with the word sexy.
I feel like I have to whisper that word, but I’m not a child anymore. That word shouldn’t be forbidden from my vocabulary, especially when it’s in reference to myself.
I’ve been on a personal development journey for a few years now, and I’m still figuring out how I want to define myself. There are words I feel like have defined me but don’t anymore, and there are words that I feel like are defining me now for the first time. Including sexy.
It’s okay to want to be sexy. It’s not shameful, and I need to keep learning that lesson.
I want to be sexy, and that’s okay. After 29 years of living, I’m finally starting to reclaim myself and my body fully. For so long I’ve been afraid to really look at or think about my body. Not anymore.
Lately when I’ve thought of myself as sexy, I also feel myself shrink and shy away from that descriptor. Why?
I was raised to be the good girl, and good girls aren’t supposed to be sexy. In our society, good and sexy aren’t synonyms; they’re opposites.
Even writing about this makes me feel uncomfortable, which is why I’m doing it.
I find myself wanting to wear things that might show off some cleavage or my legs or *gasp* both of those things at once. I’ve lived most of life wanting to cover up and hide my body, or at least parts of it, and those habits are still pretty deeply ingrained in me.
Sometimes I find myself pulling items of clothing up or down to try to get it to cover more of my body. For example, when I wear a crop top and skirt, I find myself wanting to pull up the skirt so my midriff isn’t exposed at all. Um, what is the point of me owning a crop top then?
I find myself wanting to embody the word sexy for myself, not anyone else. Growing up, it was the opposite. I wanted other people to think I was sexy or cute or hot or beautiful or anything worth looking at, but I didn’t have the confidence to feel any of those things about myself.
I’ve come a long way in my self-love and body positivity journey, and it’s a big fucking deal that I am now trying to embody and accept sexiness for myself. It never seemed possible before, and now here I am.
So I’m going to keep claiming that word and calling myself sexy whenever it feels right. That word alone doesn’t define me, but it’s neat to be at a part in my journey where it is part of me.